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Monday, September 15th, 2008
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2:03 am - My place to go to vent...
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And despite extreme frustration, I normally don't have time to do it. I just bottle it up and move on. And then I wake up two hours early and can't get back to sleep at all, so I finally come here and let it all out.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. For six and a half months I have been the only person working in this household. Now the unemployment has run out. My great new job and my great new salary? Pretty much moot, because I'm in a shitty, run-down condo that the landlord won't do a dam thing to fix and that costs way more than it should because she's upside down on the mortgage.
I make, well, a lot of money. more than I ever thought I'd see without a degree. It's horribly frustrating to have to choose between being able to eat and taking my meds. I bought a couple of new outfits right before the unemployment ran out, but I'm stuck with them for a long, long time.
And now the vermin. The thrice cursed animals brought fleas into the house and I can't get rid of them. Wouldn't be so bad, except I'm allergic. I've read up, and the only way to do it is to launder every washable object in the house, freeze everything else, steam the carpets, and coat the mattresses in chemicals. I don't have the energy for all that. I come home from work exhausted every day. Even worse, I don't have the money. I have bruises from scratching in my sleep. My legs look like I have some horrible disease. And it's a wonder that I haven't managed to get blood poisoning.
I'm at the end of my rope. I'm absolutely miserable, and I don't know where to go next.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 19th, 2007
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5:49 pm - Fun stuff
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...courtesy of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ladymalchav.
Post a comment to this entry and I will...
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 17th, 2007
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9:20 am - The second anniversary of my 29th birthday!
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I've been posting so much negative stuff in here that I decided to post something nice in honor of my 31st. I seem to have been using this journal for venting and zetaChannel for my happy stuff. Well, here's some happy stuff.
For the first time in years, my birthday isn't depressing me at all. I'm so happy I just about can't stand myself. I think a lot of that is coming from Lock's attitude to it. He's been gleefully buying me presents, making plans to go out, loveying me, and generally being a total sweetheart. He went to every electronics store in the Bay Area to find one of my presents, a USB mug warmer. (Okay, part of the reason I'm so giddy is probably the half-dozen cups of tea I've had this morning.) He also bought me the Tolkien book I'd been wanting to read since spring and never had the money to get.
He's taking me out to sushi tonight. This will be the first sushi I've eaten since June and I'm, well, excited isn't the right word. I'm really looking forward to it. Then we're going to go out for dessert (I don't like green tea ice cream for some reason, so we're going someplace else). And then we're going to come home and play D&D and probably fool around some more.
Gah, I'm rambling. I do that a lot.
current mood:  giddy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 9th, 2007
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5:56 pm - That sound you hear
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...is me screaming my lungs out in frustration. I had just today gotten myself centered to the point that I thought I could handle this. We had a budget for the next two weeks that we could live with. I had even managed to control my anxiety well enough that I ordered a pizza. That would have been the first commercially prepared food that I'd been able to bring myself to eat in weeks.
And now I'm not going to be able to eat it. Fuck. In fact, there's a good chance that I'm going to start puking before the pizza even gets here. I cannot handle this. It's totally out of control. Note to stupid:
YOU DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO CHARITY WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN STEADILY LOSING WEIGHT FOR THREE MONTHS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR FOOD!
I'm homicidal right now.
And by the way, Maj, honey? If you're still reading my journal...just disregard this, okay? Oh, and you're a masochist. :)
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
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8:12 am
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Rent
Bills
Gas/maintenance/insurance (and I don't drive)
Plane tickets for my kids that my asshole of an ex wouldn't even pay part of, much less half
Cigarettes
Marijuana
Gourmet fucking pet food
That pretty much kills my paychecks. The only thing on there that he wouldn't have to pay for anyway is the tickets for my kids.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2007
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6:27 pm
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| Monday, September 17th, 2007
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6:57 pm - Whoever had two months...
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...you got it. Unless a miracle happens, this thing just collapsed.
Over something stupid. That something stupid exposed a big, glaring issue, though. I am not to have emotions. Emotions are drama, and that is not allowed.
The something stupid is my weight. Well, not just my weight. Every other girl on the planet, too. Right now I am pretty close to being emaciated. I might weigh a buck and a quarter fully clothed. I've lost a good ten or fifteen pounds since I've been here, most of it muscle. I look like hell, and if my parents see me they'll probably drive down here and drag me home.
He thinks it's great. He goes around pointing out girls, girls that I think are pretty, and says things like "Gee, honey, I'm glad you're not fat like her." It's disgusting. I miss my pretty curves, and I can't imagine what he would say to me if I still had them.
He's never once told me I'm pretty. I don't know if that's a word that even exists in his universe. When I was getting dressed up for job interviews and I was actually making an effort to not look sexy, all he had to say is "You're hot."
We won't even get into the whole thing about treating me like I'm stupid. In public.
current mood:  depressed
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 7th, 2007
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8:00 am - Out of sorrow, hope
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We had a bit of a rough night last night. We found out that Lock's friend had to put his dog down. She was a beautiful old golden lab, very gentle and sweet, and amazingly happy despite arthritis and sensory problems (I think she was deaf, but I'm not sure).
Lock is heartbroken. He found out in an email, and thank the goddess he was at home on my computer and not at work. He was crying too hard to talk, I had to get up and read it myself to find out what happened.
I spent the rest of the evening holding him, just touching him and letting him know I'm here. I didn't know Ayle well, so I'm not as heartbroken as Lock is, but I'm sad, and I'm sad for him.
This quiet evening gave me a lot of chance for meditation, and the situation gave me something to meditate on and I was able to come up with some very positive things out of an otherwise awful experience.
First of all, I'm impressed by Lock's ability to grieve openly. So many Americans, men especially, won't cry, won't even admit they're sad over something like this. They bottle it up and don't grieve properly and cause themselves all kinds of anguish down the road. I admire a man who can cry when he's sad, who's willing to let his partner hold him and comfort him. It speaks of an emotional maturity that bodes well for the other facets of our life together.
Secondly, this is something that is helping me open up to him. Years of emotional scarring have made it hard for me to share negative feelings. I've developed the habit of wrapping them up and retreating into my shell when I'm sad. Death especially has this effect on me, and I know exactly why. When I was eighteen, less than a week after I graduated high school, a friend of mine died. She was my parents' next door neighbor, and Dad called to break the news to me. I started sobbing uncontrollably. When Dad and I hung up I was still sobbing. My boyfriends father was looking at me like I was insane and said "Who died?" I replied "Our neighbor, Kim." He looked at me with derision and said, "Oh. I thought by the way you were acting it was someone important."
It's so comforting to know that the wonderful man I'm now with won't do that to me. He's never belittled me for my emotions, ever, but it's still so good to know that things like grieving are okay to him. I'm expecting one of my horses, Apache, to die this winter, and it's something of a comfort to know that I don't have to hide the inevitable tears when he finally does go.
It was very peaceful, holding him, helping him grieve, and watching our relationship grow stronger because of it. Right now I feel that we can take anything life can throw at us. (Considering we've survived all the shit that's happened over the last two months, that's a pretty fair assumption.)
Right before he fell asleep last night he said to me, "You're a good woman." It had nothing to do with sex, or domestic stuff, or my ability to work and contribute. He just meant me, as a person. That means more to me than anything.
current mood:  calm
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 31st, 2007
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9:22 am - Warning: Venting Ahead
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7:27 am - I don't know...
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...what to do. My parents want to adopt Rhiannon. These are the same parents (well, mom anyway) that want nothing to do with me.
I'm torn. She's happy there, they love her, they can take care of her...but they're getting older, and Dad's health isn't great and sometimes his mind slips a little. Not to mention I'm afraid of my mom bad-mouthing me to her. It's bad enough what she says to my face, I know she's worse behind people's backs.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.
current mood:  distressed
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 24th, 2007
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9:28 am
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Because this is a little on the sexual side I'll put it under a cut. I love my boy!
current mood:  horny
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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2:28 pm - Pirates!
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<a href="http://www.drunkduck.com/Grog/"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/Eviltwinpixie/teampiratebabe.jpg"></a>
current mood:  naughty
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(comment on this)
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8:19 am - Much better, thanks
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Tea and scones. What more could a girl ask for?
*blushes* Well, yeah, there's that, but he's at work, so it'll have to wait.
current mood:  cheerful
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
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8:53 am - Aftershocks
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Ragged, tearing sobs. I can't control them any more than I can choose not to breathe, but I'm lucky that's all it is.
If I'd been asleep it would have been waking up screaming and a full-blown panic attack.
Curled up in the closest thing I can get to the fetal position, trying to breathe deep and relax, covers pulled up over my head because, despite the fact that I'm sweating, I'm cold. I can't kiss you or hold you, I can't even tell you I'm okay because I'm not, I'm withdrawing and there's not much I can do about it except wait it out. Now comes the insomnia and the hundreds of sleepless nights; my breathing slowing towards sleep sets off the panic reaction and I hyperventilate; my brain, starved for REM, tries to dream when I'm awake and I hallucinate.
I know in my mind and in my heart that you will never hurt me, but the subconscious doesn't know anything but what has happened before. It remembers the sound of a fist hitting a wall and knows that next will be the tearing sound of the tendons in my shoulder letting go, then the dull smack and bright chrysanthemum of pain as my jaw cracks. You have never done this to me, but the fear doesn't remember people, only events. And pain.
I hoped with all my heart that I could be normal, and survive the little problems that life threw my way.
I am too broken to be loved.
current mood:  numb
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
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7:29 am - Mornings
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Life just keeps getting more and more interesting. I've quit drinking (because I moved in with a stoner), quit smoking (because he smokes enough for both of us), and have all but quit the caffeine (stopped drinking soda). I would be PTing my brains out if I could, but the broken ankle kind of prevents that. I can't spend money because I have none.
This leaves me with one addiction to indulge. We do not have the time or the energy to indulge it as much as I would like.
I have got to get some needlework or something before I go crazy.
The really good news for the day is I may be getting a job offer here in Concord. Yay for work!
current mood:  weird
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
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10:48 am - Catharsis
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I may be preaching to the choir here, but for anyone who is worried about the punishments for sex offenders ruining said offender’s lives here’s what the victims have to look forward to: · Having to tell their friends and loved ones what happened. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Inevitably there is going to be someone that doesn’t believe you or tells you it’s your fault for whatever reason. Even when you know that they’re wrong, it still hits you in the gut when this happens. · Having to tell law enforcement what happened. This leads to having to repeat the story what seems like hundreds of times, to hundreds of strangers: cops, doctors, lawyers, therapists. · Having to be poked, prodded, and otherwise examined at a time when they really don’t want to be touched at all. · Months of blood tests for HIV and other nasty stuff.. · If the case goes to trial, they’re going to have to testify (this only applies to adults). In some states the victim’s background is fair game for the defense, so you get to be dragged through the mud. · Waking up in the night in a cold sweat, unable to go back to sleep because every time you close your eyes it starts happening to you again. · Knowing that if they have a new significant other they’re going to have to explain the situation to them because there will be nightmares and sometimes panic attacks and a lot of victims end up with triggers that are just everyday stuff. · Having to fight the urge to just medicate themselves into a daze.* · Depression, sometimes to the point of suicide.* · Permanent sexual dysfunction. Of course, some of these apply more to children who are victimized and some more to adult victims. But a lot of them are much the same. Life in prison or having to register as a sex offender doesn’t seem so harsh when you compare it to what they’ve done to their victims. *I wish I could find citable stats for these. One website I found states that 13% of rape victims attempt suicide, but they didn’t have a citation or a date on that figure.
current mood:  drained
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 7th, 2006
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8:20 am - Long time...
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I'm hardly ever on the net now that I've started my new job. I suppose I should update this once in a while.
Ah well. It's not like there's anything exciting going on in my life. I don't even have anything to be emo about.
I miss xF, even though I was hardly ever on there anymore.
Holler if you drop in. I miss everybody.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 14th, 2005
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11:04 am - Grrr
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| Thursday, August 25th, 2005
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8:24 am - Grrr
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xF is down for the umpteenth time this week. Aaaaaaargh! Oh, well, y'all know where to IM me if you need me.
I've decided to lose my mind and get a new desktop, so I may be a bit scattered for awhile getting that set up. Bear with me, y'all.
current mood:  restless
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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12:57 pm
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angry
